Today.

I'm not happy today.

That's a hard thing to write or admit on a blog isn't it?

I am honest with you all about my life as a first time mummy, I share the fact that Baby brain sends me doolally and has me walking up and down my street like a crazy woman checking if my front door is locked. I share the fact that I sometimes spend too much time day dreaming over the crusts from a loaf of bread. I even shared the pictures of myself 9 stone heavier.

Despite that we all tend to keep a little something back don't we? Especially on the blogging front, we write comical stories about nappy changes and the constant lessons we learn as parents. We write touching and endearing posts about how much our children mean to us. Sometimes we share some artistically taken well edited photos... or if you are like me you point, shoot and "that'll do."

We share the ups and downs in a very toned down way. An approach I seem to have adapted to my everyday life too. When I've had a rubbish day and I really want to scream & shout I rarely show it. If I shout around you then you need to know I've really hit my limit because I don't do sad or angry very well any more. I have one setting 'I'm fine'.

I think the only two people who ever see the full good, bad & ugly these days are my mother and my husband. Mum gets the day time rampages over the phone, and hubby gets the left over emotions after a day of either calming down or winding up.

On the days where the post man woke the baby up from his nap with ridiculously loud knocking, even though we have a door bell. The days where you've just cleaned the entire house so naturally baby spits his food everywhere and the cat kicks litter everywhere. The days where the nappy leaks everywhere and no amount of wipes can clean this mess. The washing machine gives up, shortly after the nappy leakage. The days where you think, if one more thing goes wrong I'm going to scream. Those are the days I find myself smiling and saying "I'm fine" before I even have a chance to think about it.

For the longest time I've felt the pressure to not show how I feel. To not say it. Like it's a bad thing to admit I feel something other than happiness.

So today I'm going to take a moment to say that I'm not OK, and that's alright too.

I'm a Mummy and I love it. Honestly it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and on the days where I don't feel happy I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. How dare I not be happy when I have everything I ever wanted and more. How dare I! Well let me tell you, I'm human and sometimes I'm unhappy because I woke up on the wrong side of bed. Sometimes I'm unhappy because we all have private battles and wounds that have barely healed. Being a Mummy, and loving it, doesn't mean we can't be sad sometimes.

So I am admitting I'm not OK, that I don't want to smile but I will for my little boy. I'm admitting that my heart aches a little today, especially today. Pre-Rhodri it would be one of those days I would have crawled back in to bed and hidden under the duvet for the rest of the day. As I watch him play my heart is filled with love & joy, but there's a piece of my heart missing and it's aching today.

Today is a battle, a very private battle, and there I go keeping a little something back again. I guess we all have those things that remain private, but today my blog won't tell cute stories, or make jokes about how forgetful I can be. Instead I just want to leave a message for you all:

It's OK to not be OK. In this world where being positive is such a virtue, where we are frowned upon for wearing our hearts on our sleeves and we too quickly find ourselves saying we are fine when we are not. We sometimes forget that we are allowed to be human, to be hurting, or to just be having a bad day. So let me say it again. Today I am not OK, and that's OK too...

Bully for you!

I am straying from the promised wedding related blog post yet again, instead opting to blog about something that has really been playing on my mind. Bullying, I believe, is something we have all been affected by at some point in our lives. If you haven't been bullied then chances are you have been the bully... or have stood by and watched when someone else was bullied.

We all know children can be nasty. As children we have a survival of the fittest mode, and the school yard becomes the place to display our muscles, either physically or verbally. Personally I have never intentionally bullied anyone, but I know that my worst trait is that when backed in to a corner during an argument instead of backing down I will sharpen up my tongue and say whatever it takes to "win" the argument. I'm not always proud of the things I choose to say, but then again I didn't always used to be that way. I used to take it, and that's probably why I was a target for some bullies. I didn't like confrontation so if people lied about me or said mean things I would rather let people believe those things than argue back. But we all have a point where we snap. When you bully someone, you have no clue at what point they will snap or how they will snap.

It's a sad fact of life that some people, insecure or just plain evil, take pleasure in hurting people. Another sad fact of life is that although technology such as internet, social networking sites and mobiles have become an integral part of our lives and help us all keep in touch, they have also made it near impossible to escape from the bullies. Worse still they offer the bullies an anonymity that they never had before. If like me you have ever sat in your bedroom as a teenager crying at the prank phone calls, vindictive text messages and cruel voice mails you were receiving, you will know there is nothing worse than knowing it had to be a friend who you gave your number to, and yet not knowing which one has decided to play games with you. Even when you figure out who it is, you can't prove it. Technology is wonderful and yet such a curse. 

It allows people to spread lies about you further than before. It gives people a voice, even when they don't have anything nice to say. It opens the world up to trolling and griefing, which no matter how you spin it, is basically deliberately winding people up, offending them or trying to obtain a negative reaction from a person. I understand people think it's OK to just joke about, throw an insult or two around, gang up on someone as a 'laugh'... I understand but I don't agree. For example, on Facebook there is a poker game, I used to play. One day a group of boys 'griefing', trolling or whatever you want to call it, came in to the room I was playing and for a joke said things to everyone in the room to provoke a negative response. I cried myself to sleep that night... over people I don't even know calling me an ugly troll. A young man said he was going to kill himself when they made comments about his skin/acne in his profile picture. I don't know to this day if he did or not, but it haunts me that he may have.

Another sad fact of today's society is, all to often you turn on the news, open a newspaper or go online and discover another victim of bullying has taken their own life. Children of 13 & 14 are writing on their friends walls after arguments "go kill yourself, no one will miss you" and worse still some people believe it, take their own lives and end their misery while creating a whole new unimaginable pain & suffering for the family, friends and loved ones they leave behind. I know that this blog post can not solve the problem of bullying, and it won't stop every bully in the world. But if it makes even 1 reader think twice about how they treat people then I am happy I wrote this post.

I've been in situations where I have felt bullied. In school, in the work place, by 'friends', by family and by people I loved & trusted. There is nothing worse than being at the lowest point of your life and having a 'friend' mock you and laugh about the situation you are in behind your back. Or having a family member use the one thing they know will break your heart to get to you. There is nothing more heartbreaking than realising you have trusted the wrong person with your secrets, fears, hopes, insecurities and the thoughts you never shared with anyone else in the world. To find they have spread those things around, laughed at you at times of pain, and used your insecurities to make you feel so insignificant and unlovable. To hear those very people turn on you at the very moment you need them most. To take physical, emotional or verbal abuse from someone you trusted or loved is unbearable. It leaves you feeling weak and ashamed. I've been blamed for others making mistakes and telling lies, I've been blamed for saying things I never did, and I've been blamed for lying about things I would never lie about. I've made some bad choices friends wise... trusted the wrong people and learnt the hard way that not everyone is what they seem.

To anyone who is being bullied, trust me, you can and will get through it. No matter how weak or ashamed you feel, it isn't you who should feel that way. You are strong for living with your insecurities and fears without turning on someone else to make you feel better. No matter what anyone tells you, a loving heart and an honest person is far more attractive than any vindictive bully. Any 'friend' who makes you feel unworthy isn't a friend, any loved one who doesn't tell you how lucky they are to know you, isn't worth your tears. I got through it and you can to. Don't ever give anyone the power to make you feel anything less that magnificent. If you find out you trusted the wrong person, then cry over it, feel the heartache, and then move on. Move on to what you truly deserve.

For anyone that is a bully, or thinks "I haven't been the friend I should be" then think hard before you take your problems out on someone else. The person who you lash out on may well be having a worse time of things than you, they may not be able to laugh off your insults, or the feeling of betrayal. 

Bullying happens all around us. It's not just a school yard thing. Keep your eyes open and make sure you don't stand by and watch it happen. If you see someone treating your friend in a way they shouldn't, stand up and help your friend. Don't sit back and wait for them to hit rock bottom before you offer them a helping hand.

That's my ranting blog about bullying over. I've just seen and heard some nasty things being said online recently and I just hope my little rant makes even one person think twice about how they treat others and how they speak to other people. If it makes that one person think twice then I am one happy blogger.

Thanks for reading xxx