I'm not happy today.
That's a hard thing to write or admit on a blog isn't it?
I am honest with you all about my life as a first time mummy, I share the fact that Baby brain sends me doolally and has me walking up and down my street like a crazy woman checking if my front door is locked. I share the fact that I sometimes spend too much time day dreaming over the crusts from a loaf of bread. I even shared the pictures of myself 9 stone heavier.
Despite that we all tend to keep a little something back don't we? Especially on the blogging front, we write comical stories about nappy changes and the constant lessons we learn as parents. We write touching and endearing posts about how much our children mean to us. Sometimes we share some artistically taken well edited photos... or if you are like me you point, shoot and "that'll do."
We share the ups and downs in a very toned down way. An approach I seem to have adapted to my everyday life too. When I've had a rubbish day and I really want to scream & shout I rarely show it. If I shout around you then you need to know I've really hit my limit because I don't do sad or angry very well any more. I have one setting 'I'm fine'.
I think the only two people who ever see the full good, bad & ugly these days are my mother and my husband. Mum gets the day time rampages over the phone, and hubby gets the left over emotions after a day of either calming down or winding up.
On the days where the post man woke the baby up from his nap with ridiculously loud knocking, even though we have a door bell. The days where you've just cleaned the entire house so naturally baby spits his food everywhere and the cat kicks litter everywhere. The days where the nappy leaks everywhere and no amount of wipes can clean this mess. The washing machine gives up, shortly after the nappy leakage. The days where you think, if one more thing goes wrong I'm going to scream. Those are the days I find myself smiling and saying "I'm fine" before I even have a chance to think about it.
For the longest time I've felt the pressure to not show how I feel. To not say it. Like it's a bad thing to admit I feel something other than happiness.
So today I'm going to take a moment to say that I'm not OK, and that's alright too.
I'm a Mummy and I love it. Honestly it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and on the days where I don't feel happy I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. How dare I not be happy when I have everything I ever wanted and more. How dare I! Well let me tell you, I'm human and sometimes I'm unhappy because I woke up on the wrong side of bed. Sometimes I'm unhappy because we all have private battles and wounds that have barely healed. Being a Mummy, and loving it, doesn't mean we can't be sad sometimes.
So I am admitting I'm not OK, that I don't want to smile but I will for my little boy. I'm admitting that my heart aches a little today, especially today. Pre-Rhodri it would be one of those days I would have crawled back in to bed and hidden under the duvet for the rest of the day. As I watch him play my heart is filled with love & joy, but there's a piece of my heart missing and it's aching today.
Today is a battle, a very private battle, and there I go keeping a little something back again. I guess we all have those things that remain private, but today my blog won't tell cute stories, or make jokes about how forgetful I can be. Instead I just want to leave a message for you all:
It's OK to not be OK. In this world where being positive is such a virtue, where we are frowned upon for wearing our hearts on our sleeves and we too quickly find ourselves saying we are fine when we are not. We sometimes forget that we are allowed to be human, to be hurting, or to just be having a bad day. So let me say it again. Today I am not OK, and that's OK too...